Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
