She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
