make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
