i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
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hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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