Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
