I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
