I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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