You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Pants are for mortals
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