She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
