Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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