our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
