actually, I'm a sock model
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
