I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
