He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
