My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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