I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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