Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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