Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
