Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
