you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
