swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
that is very illegal...i love you.
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