so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
