Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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