Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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