Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
