friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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