I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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