just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
