You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
