Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
