I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
