If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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