i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He has the fingertips of a God
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
