I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
