This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
