Betty ford says i'm here all night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
