Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
