She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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