I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
