My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
