how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
