I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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