Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
being pregnant is like rehab
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
