In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
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I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
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Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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