Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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