Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
