I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
