Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
