Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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