Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
did you just send me my own nude
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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