Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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