I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we made out on top of his cat.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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