you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
