Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
