Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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