Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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