dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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