Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
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I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
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No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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