So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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